Prom Dress

It was the night before the senior prom, and one girl didn't have a dress to wear. She was poor and lived in a section of town where there were many immigrants from Haiti and other islands in the Caribbean Sea.

She had gone to the neighborhood funeral parlor that same day to pay her respects to the remains of an elderly neighbor. While she was in the funeral home, she had seen a young girl about her age and size lying in state in a casket in one of the many rooms, which she had entered by mistake. As she looked down at the casket, she noticed that the dress was very pretty and brand new. It had been bought just for the burial.

While she was in the room, the funeral director came in and said it was time to close the casket. He sealed it with a big key - kind of like a wrench - and said that the casket would remain closed from then on, and that the burial would take place the next morning. After the director left, the girl went on down the hall to the room where her dead neighbor was laid out.

While she was in the room paying her respects, she heard a lot of crying and wailing down the hall. Someone had collapsed with grief in one of the rooms, and everyone, including the funeral director, ran down the hall to help that family. As the girl ran by the room with the sealed casket, she had an idea. She went into the room, opened the sealed casket with the huge curved wrench, and quickly slid the white dress off the girl. She put the key back in the socket and the casket lid and sealed the lid again. Stuffing the white dress into her school bag, she slipped out past the room where all the crying was coming from. The next night, she put on the dead girl's white dress and went to the dance.

As she danced with several different boys she knew, her joints began to get kind of stiff. As time went by, her muscles began to stiffen, and she began to walk and dance awkwardly. She thought maybe there was something wrong with the dress, so she went into the girl's restroom and slipped into a stall. She took off the dress and searched all over it, but couldn't find anything wrong with it. So she put it back on.

As she danced, she became colder and stiffer until she was as stiff as a board. The ambulance was called, and she was rushed to a hospital. The doctors pronounced her dead - but she was alive! She could hear every word everyone said, and see everything that was happening. She just couldn't move or speak. Soon, she was lying in state in the same funeral parlor, with her family and friends coming by and crying. She tried to move or cry out, but she couldn't.

The funeral director came in and closed the lid on her casket. And the next day, the casket was taken to the graveyard. And she could hear the gravediggers working:

"Did you hear what happened at the funeral home this morning?" said one of them.

"No, what?" said the other as they threw shovel fulls of dirt onto her casket.

"A young mortician's assistant heard a knocking sound in one of the caskets. Well, he opened it up, and a young girl in a slip climbed out. She said she'd been the victim of a voodoo ritual. Someone had given her a dress dusted with that zombie powder, so she seemed dead when she wasn't."

"Huh," said the first gravedigger. "I wonder what happened to that dress."

And then the girl couldn't hear anything else....

Joke Joke

A colleague of mine forwarded this to me. I speak and understand Cebuano or Bisaya. So non-Visayan speakers might not be able to relate to some of the featured jokes but just try it. Ok?

HERE:

Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.

The ad taker said: "300 pesos for 5 words."

She said: "Pwede ba 2 words ra? "Tanoy dead""

Ad taker: "No mam. 5 words is the minimum."

After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: "Ok, para sulit jud, ibutang nimo,

"TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE "

-- ----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Boy: Nay naa ta'y sud-an?

Nanay: Tan-awa lang sa ref, 'nak.

Boy: Wala man tay ref 'nay, di ba?

Nanay: sus .. deh .. wala tay sud-an. common sense sad diha 'nak.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Caloy: Tay ,di ba tagaan man ko nimo'g P100 kung makapasar ko sa Math?

Tatay: O. Ngano man? Kapasar ka?

Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di na ka kagastos ug P100.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power;

At 43, quits drinking. Will Power;

At 53, quits gambling. Will Power;

At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?

Tindero: One way.

Kano: Meg-kanow?

Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.

Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?

Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --


Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!

Loi: San ang balitang yan?

Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; "British tourist lost 2000 pounds."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator): Name?

Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz.

MMDA: Ahhh okay...(sabay tago ticket)...Next time be careful, ok?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

BF: Kuha-on tika unya ha? Mo busina ra ko kung naa nako's inyong gate.

GF: Cge. taympa, naa diay kay sakyanan?

BF: Wala. Busina ra!

----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Na-ngapply si Tomas ug security guard...

Interviewer: Ang gikinahanglan namo kay tawong may suspicious mind, highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Paminaw nimo qualified ka?

Tomas: Paminaw nako sir dili. Pwede ako na lang misis ma-ngapply?

----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Always remember, when SHE cancels a date, she HAS TO.

But....when HE cancels a date...... he HAS TWO.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Junior: Nay, mopalit ko'g HIGH CAKE.

Nanay: Dili high cake, 'nak. HOT CAKE.

Junior: Ok nay. Taga-i lang ko'g kwarta.

Nanay: Sige, kuha lang sa akong SOLDIER BAG.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Pasyente: Doc, naa ko'y problema. kada alas otso sa buntag, malibang man ko.
Doktor: so, sa may problema ana?
Pasyente: alas nuwebe pa man gud ko momata.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, "are they your babies?"
Man: "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!"

40 Tips for Better Life

This mail is forwarded from my dad. I'd rather share this to you. It might be helpful if you think of it. Seriously...I CARE FOR YOU... and you'll know why...





1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
3. Sleep for 7 hours.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Play more games.
6. Read more books than you did in 2007.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
18. Smile and laugh more.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Forgive everyone for everything.
26.. What other people think of you is none of your business.
27. GOD ! heals everything.
28. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
29. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
30. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
31. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
32. The best is yet to come.
33. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
34. Do the right thing!
35. Call your family often.
36. Your inner most is always happy. So be happy.
37. Each day give something good to others.
38. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
39. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about.

The Most Touching Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you
that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you
for seven years and

I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the
last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't
even notice that I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal and even wore
a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband


P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER
and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. It's true that you and I

have been married for seven years,

although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut
last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a
girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say
anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned
away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and
I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said that the
letter you wrote ensures you won't get
a dime from me. So take care.


Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you
this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem.

Signs

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing, please not read this notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens :

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel:


You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black forest :

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand :

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:


Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.



Warning: I suggest you break for while before mad-man disease strikes, stop laughing for at least 5 minutes before you proceed further...

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.


On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR , you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air

conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo :

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A ground staff of Luftansa Airline instructed a passanger with a small bag to the plane by saying :

Please follow your bag to the plane.

***

whattawonderfulworld!!!

Simplicity of a MALE BEING

The next mail I handpicked from my inbox today might be sexist. Again, the battle of the sexes is introduced. I can say I'm not bias since I do believe I'm in the middle (hehehehe).  Now, judging time... let's focus on diaries...

***

HER DIARY
>
>
> ------------------
>
>
> Day night, I thought he was acting
> weird. We had made plans to meet at a
> cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
> all day long, soIely thought he was upset at the fact that I
> was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so
>
> I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
> he kept quiet and absent. I asked
> him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault
> that he was upset. He said it had
> nothing to do with me and not to worry.
>
> On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
> driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say,
> "I love u,too."
>
> When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
> to do with me anymore.
> He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and
> absent.Finally I
> decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided
> that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with
> the situation but he had fallen asleep.
>
> I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what
> to
> do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
>
> My life is gonna be a disaster.

> ______________________________________________________
>
>
>
>
>
 
>
> HIS DIARY
>
>
> ----------------
>
>
>
> the L.A.lakers lost to boston celtics.
>
> DAMN
> IT.

***

Simple and straightforward.

Google Adsense PIN

Google AdSense to me show details Jul 6 (13 hours ago)

"Hello,

We've recently sent you a Personal Identification Number (PIN) via standard mail. You should expect to receive it within about 2-4 weeks. Once you receive your PIN, you will need to enter it into your account in order to become eligible to receive AdSense payments. To enter your PIN, simply follow the instructions included with your PIN mailer.

If you do not receive your PIN after three weeks, you may request a replacement by following the instructions at http://www.google.com/adsensenewpin .

Please note that publishers have 6 months from the original issue date to enter their PIN. If you have not entered your PIN within 4 months, we will start displaying Public Service Ads (PSAs) on your web pages. If you have not entered your PIN within 6 months, your account will be disabled and any unpaid earnings will be refunded to the appropriate advertisers. You can learn more about our PIN policy at http://www.google.com/adsense_pin_info .

For additional questions about getting paid, please visit http://www.google.com/adsense_payment_guide . If you prefer a video presentation of this information, we encourage you to watch our Payment demo (currently available in English only), located at http://www.google.com/adsense_payment_demo .

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team"

That's the email I received from the Google team!

July 18, 2008 - Philippines will get 8.1 earthquake, thousands of people will die.

$6.00 Welcome Survey After Free Registration!

I'm quite terrified when I received this email from a colleague at work. Since it is directed to the place where I'm working at. I'd rather share this to all. Just a warning letter but there's nothing to lose if you read this and share with your friends and love ones. I don't know how authentic this letter but let's pray for God's Kindness. Here's what I received:

July 18, 2008 - Philippines will get 8.1 earthquake, thousands of people will die.

PLS. LET US BE ALERT AND MARK THIS DATE JULY 18, 2008, FRIDAY. LETS BE PREPARED, AND LET US ALL PRAY THAT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US.

IF POSSIBLE: PLS. DONT GO TO WORK ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH OFFICE LOCATED IN HIGH PLACES, BUILDINGS, CONDOS AND MALLS.

NOTHING TO LOSE IN THIS KIND OF REMINDER. MAYBE, THIS IS GODS WAY TO SAVE YOU, YOUR FAMILY , YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR OFFICEMATES OR LESSEN CASUALTIES.

LETS ALL PRAY AND MARK THIS DATE.
PLS. FORWARD TO ALL YOUR CONTACT LIST TO WARN YOUR RELATIVES, FRIENDS AND YOUR LOVED ONES AND ALL PEOPLE LIVING IN THE PHILIPPINES

AGAIN: REMEMBER JULY 18, 2008 – HAVE AN ALARM ON THIS DATE.



IF YOU WANT TO READ MORE.

Credit Card Issues

I work in a call center industry though not in billing but technical support, I can relate to this scenario (below) which is normal in our line of job. Now, here's whay I got from my mails!

Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!)

Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collec t from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :
Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)