Guide to the Holidays

This is fascinating thing was just circulated in the office.

Special Attention to those who are Employed:

This might give you an idea on how to spend the Holidays!

Christmas Day December 25 (Thursday)
*Additional special (non-working day) December 26 (Friday)
*Additional special (non-working day) December 29 (Monday)
Rizal Day December 30 (Tuesday)
*Last Day of the Year (Special Holiday ) December 31 (Wednesday)

Here is why:
Note that December 24 is almost always made into a holiday (or at least a half-day working day) in most companies, December 25 is Christmas Day, December 26 is already proclaimed a special non-working day, December 27 and 28 are weekends, December 29 is again a special non-working day, December 30 is Rizal Day, December 31 is a special holiday, January 1 is New Year, January 2 is an “ipit na araw” so who’s going to work on this Friday, while January 3 and 4 are weekends — which means the Christmas season is going to be a 12-day holiday for most people!
No work, just play from December 24, 2008 until January 4, 2009.

Sayang jud ni, we can't enjoy it much because of the financial crisis, huhuhu! What will you do with your bonuses? Spend it!

So kamo Bai, asa man mo ani nga panahona?

The Top Ten Dumbest Thing You’ve Ever Heard Anyone Says

I was on avail waiting to take another call when this stuff is forwarded to me! It's so dumb! And I admit, I'm also committing these mistakes. My own version. Well, try to read down below:  



An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: “Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper?” Contestant: “Ahmm. . .Huling Hapunan?”


It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: “Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff…”


In Wowowee, the question was: “Kung ang ’sigaw’ ay ’shout’ sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang ‘whisper’?” The contestant answered: “Napkin!”


While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: “Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh…”


My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: “Imagine mo kung di ginawa ‘tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?”


My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: “Miss, puwedeng take out?”


Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: “Please watch ‘The Life Story of Julie Vega’, opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November.”


In a burger joint I heard a man say: “Miss, isa ngang ‘amusing’ aloha at saka ‘kidney’ meal.” Server: “Dine in po ba or to go?” The man answered: “Ayoko ng sago!”


I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: “Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet.” And she replied: “Ano po, solo o litro?” (coke is it)


My friend said: “Ang galing ‘no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!”


A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: “Ma’am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, ‘Hesus and Company.”


While watching “Apollo 13″, after she heard the line: “Houston, we have a problem.” My ex-girlfriend asked: “Sino si Houston?”


My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: “Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng ‘autistic’ guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?”


We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: “Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron?” Her lola replied: “Patron? Eh di Shell!”


Also in a gameshow. Host: “Ano sa Tagalog ang ‘teeth’?” Contestant: “Utong!”


I once heard an emcee say: “Let’s give her a warm of applause!”


One classmate in highschool said, “Ang cute naman ng sintas mo, luminou!” I corrected him and said, “luminous!” Then he replied, “Oo nga pala, plural!”


Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!” Pasahero: “Boss, Cubao?”


Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: “Anong ‘P’ ang Tagalog ng ’storey’ o ‘floor’ ng building?” Contestan: “PIP PLOR!”


An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: “Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko…wala akong kasama…”


I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: “It’s a 4-digit number.” He answered, “Uhm…’ROCKY’?”


I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: “One cup of chino please.”


An officemate once asked: “Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?”


I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: “Uy, stripes din! It’s the color of the day!”


My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: “Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin!” I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, “Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!”


When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, “Hey, I got a missed call!” My friend said, “Anong sabi?”


From the gameshow “The Weakest Link”. Host Edu Manzano asked: “Anong ‘T’ ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus?” Ian Veneracion answered: “TUKLI!”


We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, “Hala, brownout!” Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.


A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: “Ma’am, I already changed your monthly period.”


A home economics teacher asked us: “How do you make wet floor and tow duff?” Translation: “How do you make wheat flour and tough dough”.


During a shower party for my friend, the married women were giving tips on the do’s & dont’s of sexual intercourse, when the bride asked: “Hindi ba kasama yung betlog sa pinapasok?”


Melanie Marquez: “Ang tatay ko lang ang only living legend na buhay pa.”

Magpageant ta!

If mahilig jud mo sa pageant ug uban pang beauty contest, hala! Go, enjoy reading this entry! Kaloka!!!!

Host : Saan ang dream vacation mo?
Girl Contestant : Amangpulo.
+++
Host : What was the very first gift that you gave to your girlfriend?
Male Contestant : Uhmm...taptoy.
Host : What taptoy?
Male Contestant : Taptoy na teddy bird.
+++
Host : What's your ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Uhm, uhm, I am not sure....
Host : Hindi, kunwari ikaw, more or less.
Girl : Uhmm... more. (Crowd booing... ) Sige, Sige. Less, less....
+++
Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
Girl Contestant : Bocaue.
Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why Bocaue?
Girl : Because it's a magnificent place.
Host : Which part of Bocaue?
Girl : The Bocaue Rice Terraces. (Banawe Kaya Yon!!)
+++
The contestant, presenting herself, talks into the mic and says, "Hi! I'm Cristine Reyes from Bagiuo...," and then she turns around, walks a little, goes back then yells at the top of her lungs! Then shouts, "CITYYYYYYYY!!!!"
+++
(From Little Miss Philippines)
Host : Anong gusto mo pag-laki mo?
Girl : Maging lalaki po!
+++
Host : Who's your favorite author?
Contestant : Danielle Steele
Host : Why Danielle Steele?
Contestant : Because, because...Danielle Steele, I like best.
+++
Host : How would you like me to address you?
Contestant : My address is Project 8, Quezon City.
+++
Host : What is your best feature?
Contestant : My graduation feature.
+++
Host : So tell us, why did join this contest?
Contestant : Me, join this contest, why did I. Thank you!
+++
Host : What do you want to be after you graduate?
Contestant : I want to be a successful Medicine.
+++
Host : Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube. Pero tinatawag itong boobtube. Ano ito?
Contestant : BRA!
+++
Host : What is you favorite motto?
Contestant : If others can't why, why can't I!
+++
Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant : Please come back.
+++
(From gay beauty contest)
Host : What is the one thing that symbolizes happiness for you?
Gay contestant : (Stops, thinks and then smiles.) EGGPLANT PO!
+++
Host : What is your typical day?
Contestant : I think Saturday po!
+++
(From gay contest)
Host : Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?
Gay Contestant : I think and believe na bilang isang bading......ano nga po ulit yung question?
+++
Host : Which part of your body is your best asset?
Contestant : (Believe it or not she answered) Si Melanie Marquez po!
+++
Host : What is your favorite motto?
Contestant : (After a long pause) I don't have a motto eh. (So the crowd starts helping her out. The crowd starts saying "Time is gold! Time is gold!")
Contestant : I have na po. Chinese gold!
+++
Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?"
Contestant : That's a very good question. Keep it up. (Then the girl turns and walks away.)
+++
Host : So, you're vegetarian, what is your favorite vegetable?
Contestant : I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and what's that? KALABASH?
+++
Host : What is your motto?
Contestant : Actor! (Everyone starts laughing.) Aay, actress pala.
+++
Host : Who is your favorite fictional character?
Girl : JOSE RIZAL! (Crowd starts laughing.)
Host : Who is your favorite hero then?
Girl : Hulk Hogan.
+++
Host : If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?
Girl Contestant : Uhmm... a bumble bee!
+++
Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant : My edge.... 23 years old.
+++
Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!
+++
Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I'll be 28.
+++
Host : Describe your love one in three words.
Girl : Kahit nga po 1 word, kaya ko.
Host : OK, sige!
Girl : In one word, MY LIFE!
+++
Host : If you were given any special power, what would it be?
Girl : Power of Attorney!
+++
Host : So you like reading, who's your favorite author?
Girl : Uhmm, Shakespeare.
Host : What works of Shakespeare?
Girl : Hindi ko po alam eh.
Host : But he's your favorite.
Girl : Eh kasi patay na sya eh.
+++
Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!
+++
Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to the eye!
+++
Host : What makes you blush?
Girl : Blush on!
+++
Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here? Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you walk?

Mga quotes ni BOB ONG

Guys, something to ponder! hehehehe...


1. "Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pagtinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."

2. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

3. "Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o kamukha nya si Mike Scofield o kahawig nya si Nick Carter or magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."

4. "Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."

5. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

6. "Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili."

6. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawakan ng iba."

7. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

8. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

9. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

10. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

11. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

12. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka. Kaya quits lang."

13. "Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag natuto silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?

14. "nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures."

15. "ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko "

16. "hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?"

17. "hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan na ito. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. "

18. "Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan."

19. "Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang ka pagtanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw na walang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. (Haaay, sarap!)."

Filipino Millionaire Parks His Ferrari in NY

I read it twice. Pinoy kasi ang bida!

***

A Filipino walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
Loan officer. He tells the loan office! R that he is going to the Philippines on
Business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer
Tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so
The Filipino hands over the keys of a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Filipino produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer
Agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's
President and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Pinoy for using
A $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of
The bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and
Parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Pinoy returns, repays the $5,000 and the
Interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are
Very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
Out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
Checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles
Us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Pinoy replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my
Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
Return.'

Makunat but smart LOL

Pinoy Jokes

I was chuckling at my workstation when reading these! Glad to share it! Here:



CUSTOMER: Waitress! Ano ba 'tong binigay mo sa akin, kape o tsaa? Lasang gas 'to ah!

WAITRESS: Kung yan ay lasang gas, Kape yan! Ang tsaa kasi lasang pintura!

***

PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song.

LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.

REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.

GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia"

***

ERAP: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?

OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir..

ERAP: Really? Thank you..


JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.

TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!

JUAN: Paano?

TATAY: KANG GUD!

***

ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES :

1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.

2. Rats are normal house pets.

3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life.

4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!

***

Homeless


INTERVIEWER: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?

ERAP: Marami, kaso may problema.

INTERVIEWER: Ano po yun?

ERAP: ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.

***

A song

A song for our Honorable Politicians, Congressmen and Senators, Mayors and Governors:
(To the tune of Boom Tarat-Tarat)

"BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,
BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,
KURAKOT, KURAKOT,
BOOM BOOM BOOM!"

***

Tatay to anak


TATAY:
Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro?
Palaging may honor.

ANAK:
Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.

TATAY:
Bakit naman?

ANAK:
Matalino tatay nun!

***

half - half


ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish.

HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese.

JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot.

RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo.

JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina.

MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork.

GMA: half...

***

American to tagalog

AMERICAN ENGLISH:

Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!

IN TAGALOG:

kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!

***

Medical Terminology


ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENT'S MEDICAL CHARTS at PHILIPPINE GENERAL
HOSPITAL (PGH):


1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began Seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. The patient refused autopsy.

8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

9. She is numb from her toes down.

10. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

11. The skin was moist and dry.

12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

13. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

14. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

16. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.

18. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

19. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

***

Pedro & Berto


Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?

Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?

Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

***

A priest at a church


Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

***

Pedro & Juan


Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang
takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

Pedro: Totoo!

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

Pedro: Asin!

***

Erap at Starbucks

Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!

Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?

Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!

Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

***

Sa prusisyon


Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni Mama Mary.

Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

Laugh Out Loud Folks!

Famous Quotes on Marriage

This is entry is like dominated by the male specie as the rants are directed to their wives. So let's take this in a man's point of view:


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. -Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." -Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -James Holt McGavran



"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." -Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... -Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. -Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." -Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How to stay married!

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from
each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of
her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"
she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I
should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Two moons on 27th August

27th Aug the Whole World is waiting for.............






Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles off earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons.

The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.


Share this with your friends as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will ever see it again.

Prom Dress

It was the night before the senior prom, and one girl didn't have a dress to wear. She was poor and lived in a section of town where there were many immigrants from Haiti and other islands in the Caribbean Sea.

She had gone to the neighborhood funeral parlor that same day to pay her respects to the remains of an elderly neighbor. While she was in the funeral home, she had seen a young girl about her age and size lying in state in a casket in one of the many rooms, which she had entered by mistake. As she looked down at the casket, she noticed that the dress was very pretty and brand new. It had been bought just for the burial.

While she was in the room, the funeral director came in and said it was time to close the casket. He sealed it with a big key - kind of like a wrench - and said that the casket would remain closed from then on, and that the burial would take place the next morning. After the director left, the girl went on down the hall to the room where her dead neighbor was laid out.

While she was in the room paying her respects, she heard a lot of crying and wailing down the hall. Someone had collapsed with grief in one of the rooms, and everyone, including the funeral director, ran down the hall to help that family. As the girl ran by the room with the sealed casket, she had an idea. She went into the room, opened the sealed casket with the huge curved wrench, and quickly slid the white dress off the girl. She put the key back in the socket and the casket lid and sealed the lid again. Stuffing the white dress into her school bag, she slipped out past the room where all the crying was coming from. The next night, she put on the dead girl's white dress and went to the dance.

As she danced with several different boys she knew, her joints began to get kind of stiff. As time went by, her muscles began to stiffen, and she began to walk and dance awkwardly. She thought maybe there was something wrong with the dress, so she went into the girl's restroom and slipped into a stall. She took off the dress and searched all over it, but couldn't find anything wrong with it. So she put it back on.

As she danced, she became colder and stiffer until she was as stiff as a board. The ambulance was called, and she was rushed to a hospital. The doctors pronounced her dead - but she was alive! She could hear every word everyone said, and see everything that was happening. She just couldn't move or speak. Soon, she was lying in state in the same funeral parlor, with her family and friends coming by and crying. She tried to move or cry out, but she couldn't.

The funeral director came in and closed the lid on her casket. And the next day, the casket was taken to the graveyard. And she could hear the gravediggers working:

"Did you hear what happened at the funeral home this morning?" said one of them.

"No, what?" said the other as they threw shovel fulls of dirt onto her casket.

"A young mortician's assistant heard a knocking sound in one of the caskets. Well, he opened it up, and a young girl in a slip climbed out. She said she'd been the victim of a voodoo ritual. Someone had given her a dress dusted with that zombie powder, so she seemed dead when she wasn't."

"Huh," said the first gravedigger. "I wonder what happened to that dress."

And then the girl couldn't hear anything else....

Joke Joke

A colleague of mine forwarded this to me. I speak and understand Cebuano or Bisaya. So non-Visayan speakers might not be able to relate to some of the featured jokes but just try it. Ok?

HERE:

Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.

The ad taker said: "300 pesos for 5 words."

She said: "Pwede ba 2 words ra? "Tanoy dead""

Ad taker: "No mam. 5 words is the minimum."

After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: "Ok, para sulit jud, ibutang nimo,

"TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE "

-- ----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Boy: Nay naa ta'y sud-an?

Nanay: Tan-awa lang sa ref, 'nak.

Boy: Wala man tay ref 'nay, di ba?

Nanay: sus .. deh .. wala tay sud-an. common sense sad diha 'nak.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Caloy: Tay ,di ba tagaan man ko nimo'g P100 kung makapasar ko sa Math?

Tatay: O. Ngano man? Kapasar ka?

Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di na ka kagastos ug P100.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power;

At 43, quits drinking. Will Power;

At 53, quits gambling. Will Power;

At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?

Tindero: One way.

Kano: Meg-kanow?

Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.

Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?

Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --


Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!

Loi: San ang balitang yan?

Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; "British tourist lost 2000 pounds."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator): Name?

Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz.

MMDA: Ahhh okay...(sabay tago ticket)...Next time be careful, ok?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

BF: Kuha-on tika unya ha? Mo busina ra ko kung naa nako's inyong gate.

GF: Cge. taympa, naa diay kay sakyanan?

BF: Wala. Busina ra!

----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Na-ngapply si Tomas ug security guard...

Interviewer: Ang gikinahanglan namo kay tawong may suspicious mind, highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Paminaw nimo qualified ka?

Tomas: Paminaw nako sir dili. Pwede ako na lang misis ma-ngapply?

----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Always remember, when SHE cancels a date, she HAS TO.

But....when HE cancels a date...... he HAS TWO.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Junior: Nay, mopalit ko'g HIGH CAKE.

Nanay: Dili high cake, 'nak. HOT CAKE.

Junior: Ok nay. Taga-i lang ko'g kwarta.

Nanay: Sige, kuha lang sa akong SOLDIER BAG.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Pasyente: Doc, naa ko'y problema. kada alas otso sa buntag, malibang man ko.
Doktor: so, sa may problema ana?
Pasyente: alas nuwebe pa man gud ko momata.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, "are they your babies?"
Man: "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!"

40 Tips for Better Life

This mail is forwarded from my dad. I'd rather share this to you. It might be helpful if you think of it. Seriously...I CARE FOR YOU... and you'll know why...





1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
3. Sleep for 7 hours.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Play more games.
6. Read more books than you did in 2007.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
18. Smile and laugh more.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Forgive everyone for everything.
26.. What other people think of you is none of your business.
27. GOD ! heals everything.
28. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
29. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
30. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
31. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
32. The best is yet to come.
33. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
34. Do the right thing!
35. Call your family often.
36. Your inner most is always happy. So be happy.
37. Each day give something good to others.
38. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
39. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about.

The Most Touching Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you
that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you
for seven years and

I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the
last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't
even notice that I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal and even wore
a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband


P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER
and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. It's true that you and I

have been married for seven years,

although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut
last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a
girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say
anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned
away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and
I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said that the
letter you wrote ensures you won't get
a dime from me. So take care.


Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you
this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem.

Signs

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing, please not read this notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens :

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel:


You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black forest :

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand :

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:


Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.



Warning: I suggest you break for while before mad-man disease strikes, stop laughing for at least 5 minutes before you proceed further...

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.


On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR , you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air

conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo :

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A ground staff of Luftansa Airline instructed a passanger with a small bag to the plane by saying :

Please follow your bag to the plane.

***

whattawonderfulworld!!!

Simplicity of a MALE BEING

The next mail I handpicked from my inbox today might be sexist. Again, the battle of the sexes is introduced. I can say I'm not bias since I do believe I'm in the middle (hehehehe).  Now, judging time... let's focus on diaries...

***

HER DIARY
>
>
> ------------------
>
>
> Day night, I thought he was acting
> weird. We had made plans to meet at a
> cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
> all day long, soIely thought he was upset at the fact that I
> was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so
>
> I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
> he kept quiet and absent. I asked
> him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault
> that he was upset. He said it had
> nothing to do with me and not to worry.
>
> On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
> driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say,
> "I love u,too."
>
> When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
> to do with me anymore.
> He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and
> absent.Finally I
> decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided
> that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with
> the situation but he had fallen asleep.
>
> I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what
> to
> do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
>
> My life is gonna be a disaster.

> ______________________________________________________
>
>
>
>
>
 
>
> HIS DIARY
>
>
> ----------------
>
>
>
> the L.A.lakers lost to boston celtics.
>
> DAMN
> IT.

***

Simple and straightforward.

Google Adsense PIN

Google AdSense to me show details Jul 6 (13 hours ago)

"Hello,

We've recently sent you a Personal Identification Number (PIN) via standard mail. You should expect to receive it within about 2-4 weeks. Once you receive your PIN, you will need to enter it into your account in order to become eligible to receive AdSense payments. To enter your PIN, simply follow the instructions included with your PIN mailer.

If you do not receive your PIN after three weeks, you may request a replacement by following the instructions at http://www.google.com/adsensenewpin .

Please note that publishers have 6 months from the original issue date to enter their PIN. If you have not entered your PIN within 4 months, we will start displaying Public Service Ads (PSAs) on your web pages. If you have not entered your PIN within 6 months, your account will be disabled and any unpaid earnings will be refunded to the appropriate advertisers. You can learn more about our PIN policy at http://www.google.com/adsense_pin_info .

For additional questions about getting paid, please visit http://www.google.com/adsense_payment_guide . If you prefer a video presentation of this information, we encourage you to watch our Payment demo (currently available in English only), located at http://www.google.com/adsense_payment_demo .

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team"

That's the email I received from the Google team!

July 18, 2008 - Philippines will get 8.1 earthquake, thousands of people will die.

$6.00 Welcome Survey After Free Registration!

I'm quite terrified when I received this email from a colleague at work. Since it is directed to the place where I'm working at. I'd rather share this to all. Just a warning letter but there's nothing to lose if you read this and share with your friends and love ones. I don't know how authentic this letter but let's pray for God's Kindness. Here's what I received:

July 18, 2008 - Philippines will get 8.1 earthquake, thousands of people will die.

PLS. LET US BE ALERT AND MARK THIS DATE JULY 18, 2008, FRIDAY. LETS BE PREPARED, AND LET US ALL PRAY THAT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US.

IF POSSIBLE: PLS. DONT GO TO WORK ESPECIALLY THOSE WITH OFFICE LOCATED IN HIGH PLACES, BUILDINGS, CONDOS AND MALLS.

NOTHING TO LOSE IN THIS KIND OF REMINDER. MAYBE, THIS IS GODS WAY TO SAVE YOU, YOUR FAMILY , YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR OFFICEMATES OR LESSEN CASUALTIES.

LETS ALL PRAY AND MARK THIS DATE.
PLS. FORWARD TO ALL YOUR CONTACT LIST TO WARN YOUR RELATIVES, FRIENDS AND YOUR LOVED ONES AND ALL PEOPLE LIVING IN THE PHILIPPINES

AGAIN: REMEMBER JULY 18, 2008 – HAVE AN ALARM ON THIS DATE.



IF YOU WANT TO READ MORE.

Credit Card Issues

I work in a call center industry though not in billing but technical support, I can relate to this scenario (below) which is normal in our line of job. Now, here's whay I got from my mails!

Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!)

Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collec t from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :
Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help...'
Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)