CUSTOMER: Waitress! Ano ba 'tong binigay mo sa akin, kape o tsaa? Lasang gas 'to ah!
WAITRESS: Kung yan ay lasang gas, Kape yan! Ang tsaa kasi lasang pintura!
***
PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song.LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.
REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.
GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia"
***
ERAP: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir..
ERAP: Really? Thank you..
JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.
TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!
JUAN: Paano?
TATAY: KANG GUD!
***
ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES :
1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.
2. Rats are normal house pets.
3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life.
4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!
***
Homeless
INTERVIEWER: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?
ERAP: Marami, kaso may problema.
INTERVIEWER: Ano po yun?
ERAP: ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.
***
A song
A song for our Honorable Politicians, Congressmen and Senators, Mayors and Governors:
(To the tune of Boom Tarat-Tarat)
"BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,
BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,
KURAKOT, KURAKOT,
BOOM BOOM BOOM!"
***
Tatay to anak
TATAY:
Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro?
Palaging may honor.
ANAK:
Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.
TATAY:
Bakit naman?
ANAK:
Matalino tatay nun!
***
half - half
ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish.
HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese.
JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot.
RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo.
JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina.
MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork.
GMA: half...
***
American to tagalog
AMERICAN ENGLISH:
Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!
IN TAGALOG:
kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!
***
Medical Terminology
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENT'S MEDICAL CHARTS at PHILIPPINE GENERAL
HOSPITAL (PGH):
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began Seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. She is numb from her toes down.
10. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
11. The skin was moist and dry.
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
13. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
14. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
16. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
18. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
19. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
***
Pedro & Berto
Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?
Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?
Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!
***
A priest at a church
Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!
***
Pedro & Juan
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang
takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!
***
Erap at Starbucks
Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!
Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!
***
Sa prusisyonPari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni Mama Mary.
Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!
Laugh Out Loud Folks!
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