Filipino Millionaire Parks His Ferrari in NY

I read it twice. Pinoy kasi ang bida!

***

A Filipino walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
Loan officer. He tells the loan office! R that he is going to the Philippines on
Business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer
Tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so
The Filipino hands over the keys of a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Filipino produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer
Agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's
President and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Pinoy for using
A $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of
The bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and
Parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Pinoy returns, repays the $5,000 and the
Interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are
Very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
Out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
Checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles
Us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Pinoy replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my
Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
Return.'

Makunat but smart LOL

Pinoy Jokes

I was chuckling at my workstation when reading these! Glad to share it! Here:



CUSTOMER: Waitress! Ano ba 'tong binigay mo sa akin, kape o tsaa? Lasang gas 'to ah!

WAITRESS: Kung yan ay lasang gas, Kape yan! Ang tsaa kasi lasang pintura!

***

PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song.

LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.

REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.

GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia"

***

ERAP: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?

OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir..

ERAP: Really? Thank you..


JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.

TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!

JUAN: Paano?

TATAY: KANG GUD!

***

ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES :

1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.

2. Rats are normal house pets.

3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life.

4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!

***

Homeless


INTERVIEWER: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?

ERAP: Marami, kaso may problema.

INTERVIEWER: Ano po yun?

ERAP: ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.

***

A song

A song for our Honorable Politicians, Congressmen and Senators, Mayors and Governors:
(To the tune of Boom Tarat-Tarat)

"BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,
BOOM CORRUPT CORRUPT,
KURAKOT, KURAKOT,
BOOM BOOM BOOM!"

***

Tatay to anak


TATAY:
Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro?
Palaging may honor.

ANAK:
Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.

TATAY:
Bakit naman?

ANAK:
Matalino tatay nun!

***

half - half


ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish.

HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese.

JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot.

RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo.

JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina.

MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork.

GMA: half...

***

American to tagalog

AMERICAN ENGLISH:

Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!

IN TAGALOG:

kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!

***

Medical Terminology


ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENT'S MEDICAL CHARTS at PHILIPPINE GENERAL
HOSPITAL (PGH):


1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

3. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began Seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. The patient refused autopsy.

8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

9. She is numb from her toes down.

10. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

11. The skin was moist and dry.

12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

13. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

14. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

16. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

17. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.

18. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

19. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

***

Pedro & Berto


Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?

Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?

Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

***

A priest at a church


Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

***

Pedro & Juan


Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang
takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

Pedro: Totoo!

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

Pedro: Asin!

***

Erap at Starbucks

Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!

Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?

Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!

Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

***

Sa prusisyon


Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose, mga girls, sa karo ni Mama Mary.

Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

Laugh Out Loud Folks!

Famous Quotes on Marriage

This is entry is like dominated by the male specie as the rants are directed to their wives. So let's take this in a man's point of view:


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. -Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." -Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -James Holt McGavran



"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." -Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... -Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. -Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." -Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How to stay married!

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from
each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of
her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"
she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I
should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Two moons on 27th August

27th Aug the Whole World is waiting for.............






Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles off earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons.

The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.


Share this with your friends as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will ever see it again.

Prom Dress

It was the night before the senior prom, and one girl didn't have a dress to wear. She was poor and lived in a section of town where there were many immigrants from Haiti and other islands in the Caribbean Sea.

She had gone to the neighborhood funeral parlor that same day to pay her respects to the remains of an elderly neighbor. While she was in the funeral home, she had seen a young girl about her age and size lying in state in a casket in one of the many rooms, which she had entered by mistake. As she looked down at the casket, she noticed that the dress was very pretty and brand new. It had been bought just for the burial.

While she was in the room, the funeral director came in and said it was time to close the casket. He sealed it with a big key - kind of like a wrench - and said that the casket would remain closed from then on, and that the burial would take place the next morning. After the director left, the girl went on down the hall to the room where her dead neighbor was laid out.

While she was in the room paying her respects, she heard a lot of crying and wailing down the hall. Someone had collapsed with grief in one of the rooms, and everyone, including the funeral director, ran down the hall to help that family. As the girl ran by the room with the sealed casket, she had an idea. She went into the room, opened the sealed casket with the huge curved wrench, and quickly slid the white dress off the girl. She put the key back in the socket and the casket lid and sealed the lid again. Stuffing the white dress into her school bag, she slipped out past the room where all the crying was coming from. The next night, she put on the dead girl's white dress and went to the dance.

As she danced with several different boys she knew, her joints began to get kind of stiff. As time went by, her muscles began to stiffen, and she began to walk and dance awkwardly. She thought maybe there was something wrong with the dress, so she went into the girl's restroom and slipped into a stall. She took off the dress and searched all over it, but couldn't find anything wrong with it. So she put it back on.

As she danced, she became colder and stiffer until she was as stiff as a board. The ambulance was called, and she was rushed to a hospital. The doctors pronounced her dead - but she was alive! She could hear every word everyone said, and see everything that was happening. She just couldn't move or speak. Soon, she was lying in state in the same funeral parlor, with her family and friends coming by and crying. She tried to move or cry out, but she couldn't.

The funeral director came in and closed the lid on her casket. And the next day, the casket was taken to the graveyard. And she could hear the gravediggers working:

"Did you hear what happened at the funeral home this morning?" said one of them.

"No, what?" said the other as they threw shovel fulls of dirt onto her casket.

"A young mortician's assistant heard a knocking sound in one of the caskets. Well, he opened it up, and a young girl in a slip climbed out. She said she'd been the victim of a voodoo ritual. Someone had given her a dress dusted with that zombie powder, so she seemed dead when she wasn't."

"Huh," said the first gravedigger. "I wonder what happened to that dress."

And then the girl couldn't hear anything else....

Joke Joke

A colleague of mine forwarded this to me. I speak and understand Cebuano or Bisaya. So non-Visayan speakers might not be able to relate to some of the featured jokes but just try it. Ok?

HERE:

Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.

The ad taker said: "300 pesos for 5 words."

She said: "Pwede ba 2 words ra? "Tanoy dead""

Ad taker: "No mam. 5 words is the minimum."

After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: "Ok, para sulit jud, ibutang nimo,

"TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE "

-- ----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Boy: Nay naa ta'y sud-an?

Nanay: Tan-awa lang sa ref, 'nak.

Boy: Wala man tay ref 'nay, di ba?

Nanay: sus .. deh .. wala tay sud-an. common sense sad diha 'nak.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Caloy: Tay ,di ba tagaan man ko nimo'g P100 kung makapasar ko sa Math?

Tatay: O. Ngano man? Kapasar ka?

Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di na ka kagastos ug P100.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power;

At 43, quits drinking. Will Power;

At 53, quits gambling. Will Power;

At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?

Tindero: One way.

Kano: Meg-kanow?

Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.

Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?

Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --


Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!

Loi: San ang balitang yan?

Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; "British tourist lost 2000 pounds."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator): Name?

Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz.

MMDA: Ahhh okay...(sabay tago ticket)...Next time be careful, ok?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

BF: Kuha-on tika unya ha? Mo busina ra ko kung naa nako's inyong gate.

GF: Cge. taympa, naa diay kay sakyanan?

BF: Wala. Busina ra!

----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Na-ngapply si Tomas ug security guard...

Interviewer: Ang gikinahanglan namo kay tawong may suspicious mind, highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Paminaw nimo qualified ka?

Tomas: Paminaw nako sir dili. Pwede ako na lang misis ma-ngapply?

----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Always remember, when SHE cancels a date, she HAS TO.

But....when HE cancels a date...... he HAS TWO.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Junior: Nay, mopalit ko'g HIGH CAKE.

Nanay: Dili high cake, 'nak. HOT CAKE.

Junior: Ok nay. Taga-i lang ko'g kwarta.

Nanay: Sige, kuha lang sa akong SOLDIER BAG.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Pasyente: Doc, naa ko'y problema. kada alas otso sa buntag, malibang man ko.
Doktor: so, sa may problema ana?
Pasyente: alas nuwebe pa man gud ko momata.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
Lady sitting next asked, "are they your babies?"
Man: "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!"

40 Tips for Better Life

This mail is forwarded from my dad. I'd rather share this to you. It might be helpful if you think of it. Seriously...I CARE FOR YOU... and you'll know why...





1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
3. Sleep for 7 hours.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Play more games.
6. Read more books than you did in 2007.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
18. Smile and laugh more.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Forgive everyone for everything.
26.. What other people think of you is none of your business.
27. GOD ! heals everything.
28. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
29. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
30. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
31. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
32. The best is yet to come.
33. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
34. Do the right thing!
35. Call your family often.
36. Your inner most is always happy. So be happy.
37. Each day give something good to others.
38. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
39. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about.